Hi I’m Brad and I’m a Pussy


Setting: Mostly at Fenton’s Bar & Grill, circa 1993

When you have a group of friends in a small town, you mostly know each other pretty well. At times you now some of their cousins that might live close by, not necessarily the same town, but close by.

At times, various paths can cross. A close group of friends will have each other’s back and take up for one another when push comes to shove.

Let me introduce to Brad Clayton. Brad was a year or so younger than this group of friends, he was somehow related a little bit to Andrew Dilger. Some form of 3rd cousin fifteen times removed or however that genealogy shit works. Somehow his kin stuck Andrew’s kin, or Andrew’s kin stuck his kin. Who cares, it’s irrelevant.

Either way, he was a douche. Think Brian Austin Green meets Vanilla Ice meets New Kids on the Block, or were they the same person to start with? He crossed paths with Seth by hitting on his girlfriend. He did the same with Marty. He had welched on a golf bet with Jesse and wrote a check to Kelly’s mom for some tutoring in English over the summer. Most everyone was over at Jesse’s house waiting to head to Fenton’s, likely for a penny draft night. Out of all the times they went to Fenton’s Bar & Grill, a high percentage had to be the Wednesday penny draft nights, but there were some Friday and Saturday’s as well.

Everybody is bitching about Brady Clayton. Everybody is talking about whipping his ass.  Keith edges each of them on by saying, “he’d whip anyone of you one on one”, all  while knowing he’d have a tough time fighting any of them, and no chance with a couple of them.  He hadn’t crossed Keith, yet Keith didn’t care for him and called him New Kid.  He was just an uber-douche trying to kiss everyone’s ass, yet would then turn around and try to get in their girls pants

They load up in Kelly’s Mom’s mini-van and head off to Fenton’s. They stop and eat some Pizza nearby and drink a couple of pitchers before going to Fenton’s.


They are loading up on penny draft, watching a baseball game on one of the televisions, bitching about this, that and the other, hitting on the occasional girl and catching up with an old friend or two. Kelly’s still trying to throw paperclips into the 30 gallon trash cans they used to collect the pennies on these nights. Keith’s watching the Dodgers and the Braves play and Jesse is trying to avoid some one-night stand he met at school the previous year.

Andrew walks up and says “guess who just walked in?” Keith sarcastically says President Bush. “No dipshit, Brad Clayton”, Jesse starts mubling about the 100.00, Kelly wonders aloud if he has the 50.00 bucks he owes his Mom, and Marty and Seth start fussing over who’s going to confront him first. Keith gets up walks over to Brad and simply says “You might want to leave, I’ve got four guys over there and each of them are wanting to whip your ass, and I’m not going to stop them”. Brad says “We cool”, Keith says, “no you’re a pussy, and I’m just trying to save you from getting your ass kicked, and I’m not really wanting to have to put money together to bail one of them out of jail for doing it.”

Brad with his “Ice Ice Baby” hair cut ponders that thought for a brief moment and asks, “I’m a pussy?” Keith says “Yeah you are, and a matter of fact you’re about to tell everyone you’re a pussy, or I’ll beat your ass and save them the trouble.”  Brad fondles the four day scruff he has on his chin and says “Okay Big Daddy, if it gets them off my ass I’ll tell them I’m a pussy.”

Keith says “okay, but there is another thing”. Seth and Marty are wanting to whip your ass over you hitting on their girls, and I think we can take care of it, but you owe Kelly’s Mom 50 bucks plus a bad check fee, and you owe Jesse 100.00 for the golf bet. He’s shaking his head like he’s about to free-style reaches in his pockets and hands him 200.00 bucks. Keith stuffs it in his pockets and says “let’s get this over with because I’m tired of hearing about your bitch ass”.

They walk over to Jesse, Keith hands him a 100 and says “this is your golf bet”, and looks at Brad and says “what do you have to say?”

Jesse, “I’m a pussy”. Jesse: You got that right.

They walk over to Kelly, Keith says “do you have any twenties”? Kelly nods and says “yeah two”, Keith says “I’ll trade you this 100.00 for them”. They exchange bills, and Keith says, oh by the way, you paid me back that 40.00 you owe me and the rest of that is your Mom’s for that tutoring bullshit. Kelly looks at him with a “what the fuck” expression, but it serves the cheap greedy fucker right, you have to trick his ass to get paid back more times than not. He looks over at Brad and says “spill it”.

Brad says “Kelly I’m a pussy.” Kelly: “You God Damn right!” with a cackling howl to it.

They walk over to Seth and Marty who are still trying to talk each other into letting them be the one to whip his ass. Keith “says now this will take an apology before you tell them what you are”.

Brad: “Seth, I thought you and Haley were broken up, Marty I didn’t know you and Iris were trying to get back together.”

Seth: “Even, if we were she wouldn’t have anything to do with you.’

Marty: “We’re just fucking a bit, before she moves back with her parents, but that is mighty white of ya.”

Keith: “What else?”

Brad: “I’m a pussy!”

Seth punches Marty in the arm as they both laugh their ass off, more of an Andrew type of laugh where he might shit his pants again, but they were a bit drunk and they were laughing there asses off.

They walk over to Andrew, Brad says “hey cuz, I’m a pussy.”, Keith sees a couple of guys from the community college, he wheels Brad over to them and Keith says “introduce yourself!”

Brad: “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy!”

The guys from school look puzzeled but take a swig of out of their solo cups. They start walking to the back of the place, Keith is pulling out people he knows from school or their home town. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”.

Keith sees a couple of bouncer’s he knew that played some football that he’s talked to before. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”.

He finally looks at Brad, “Did you learn your lesson?”, he said “yeah I know who not to fuck with any more.” He wondered into the dance floor trying to just blend into nothing.

Keith walks back up to his friends and says “Hi I’m Brad I’m a Pussy”, they all hit him in the shoulder laughing, cackling, and just having a good time.

They get in the car to leave, the next destination would likely be home, or quite possibly a Waffle House, and Keith is driving. Seth asks, “What made you do that? Keith says “I was tired of hearing all you little girls bitch about him.” he adds, “I don’t know about you guys, but I would have got my one shot in and busted someone in the mouth before I told three dozen or so people I’m a pussy. I might have got my ass whipped in the end, but I’m not going to do something like that.” They all agreed and laughed and drank into the night.

Get Out and Smack Him



Setting: Country Club Road, along with Bo’s Gas & Go Circa 1991.


Sometimes you set out looking for trouble. Sometimes trouble finds you and quite frankly other times it is a little bit of both.


Marty Sherber Jr. and Keith Singer had spent the afternoon shooting hoops at the outdoor courts down at the old park. Most of the time they were just shooting till a few others guys showed up and they ran a quick game of 3 on 3. The afternoon grew old they had planned on heading to Andrew Dilger’s house for a part since his Dad & step-Mom were out of town.



They were headed to Keith’s house, he was going to grab a shower while Marty played Tommy Lasorda Baseball on the Sega Genesis. They were headed to his house and they were overloading Marty’s 1988 Ford Escort. Close to 500lbs in the front sheet, a fishing pole, a shot gun and a couple of basketballs, a ball bat and some gloves in the back. They were about to turn on to Country Club Road when this dickhead was riding Marty’s ass. Marty threw the blinker on and turned left, the guy followed. They were going down the road about to pass the clubhouse when the guy pulled out in his Ford EXP, the sporty version of the Escort and passed them flipping them off and yelling something about “get that piece of shit off the road”. Well, this pissed both Marty and Keith off but that poor little Escort was doing the best it could and the EXP pulled out of site at the crest of a hill. They weren’t going to be able to catch them. Marty took down the license plate for future reference.


They turned around, went back to Keith’s house as planned. He went in washed his ass, was getting dressed while watching Marty and Keith’s little brother Trevor(about 8 years old) play the baseball game. Nolan Ryan vs. Daryl Strawberry, Rangers vs. Dodgers. Ryan throws a fastball, and Strawberry hit a grand slam and Trevor was dancing around and Marty reaches up and it hits reset.

They leave and pile back into the escort and they are headed to Marty’s house so he could shower and clean up. Keith sat their talking to Marty Sr. about baseball history and then Marty Sr. asked him, “Do you still snore like a freight train?”, Evidently, one night when he was about 12, Keith fell asleep during a basketball or baseball game and they had to turn the television on full blast just to get over his snoring. He laughed and said “most likely”.

Marty Jr. came up from the basement and was quizzed by Marty Sr. and his mother Jane, about what their plans were that night.

They left, and as they were headed down the road Keith asked Marty about the snorefest. Marty was like “You were like a God Damned Freight train. My brothers were throwing stuff at you and you still wouldn’t shut up. Keith simply laughed again.

They pulled into Bo’s Gas and Go to get some beer. Bo’s was one of a few places around town that didn’t really ID anyone, and they had known Marty his whole life so they knew he was 19 maybe 20 at the time. It didn’t matter. They were going to get a case for the party and Marty was going to get some Copenhagen.

Marty turns into the parking lot and says “what do we have here”? A red EXP sitting in front of the store. He reaches down pulls out a piece of paper from a cup holder and matches up the license plate XYZ-1234. Hmmmm. Interesting. They sit and wait and this guy comes out of the store, sits down and Marty looks at Keith and says “Get out and smack him” Keith approaches the driver’s side and puts his forearms on the window, and asks, “Were you up near the Country Club earlier?”, “N-nnn—no!”, the guy about 25, 6’ 190lbs stutters while pushing his glasses back on his nose.  “Bull shit!”, the guy gets defensive as Keith yells and reaches in to grab him and the guy is smacking at his arms like a nine year old girl trying to get her Barbie back from a friend at a sleepover. Keith gives the guy a smack with an open hand knocking his glasses off into the floor.

He’s more in the passenger side seat when Marty grabs  his shirt and pulls him half way out the window and says. “You sure do like flipping people off don’t you?” The guy stammers and attempts to get No out again, but it takes a bit longer this time.  Marty shows him the slip of paper with his tag # on it, and they guy is starting to apologize. Keith calls him a pussy, as Marty head butts him on the bridge of the nose and shoves him back into the car bleeding and says “Get the fuck out of here!”

The guy doesn’t bother with his see the future glasses and cranks the car up, red lines it and slams it in reverse, pealing  out almost hitting the set of gas pumps(that would have been messy), before grinding it into first gear and laying rubber getting out of the parking lot as Keith and Marty go in, they grab the beer, the Copenhagen and Keith gets 3 scoops of Bubble Gum Ice cream, a smurf/Carolina blue that was only found at Bo’s.  Bo asks, “what was all that about?” Marty briefly explains, and Bo mumbles something about, “could he not see how that car was weighted down, I’d have to have two guns to mess with you two in a dark alley.”

They leave and head towards Andrew’s house and they pull in about 5 or 6 people are outside because Andrew or Gina, his step-sister aren’t home yet, and they have to tell the story for the 2nd of about 5 times that night.

It’s good to have a car that can out run another, but it’s hard to out run a memory.

Let’s put the Short in Short Story


Setting: Fenton’s Bar & Grill circa 1993


Everyone has that male friend that claims to have a big dick and in some cases they might. I’m sure there is a scientific study out there that shows that Internet dick size is increased 25-35%. With that said, our friend Kelly was the one that claimed to have have 9 inches. He claimed to have 9 inches in 7th grade, he claimed to have nine inches as a junior in high school, and he claimed to have nine inches at 23, and I’m sure if you got him drunk enough now at 42, he would still claim to have 9 inches. Well, as the story goes, from people that have experienced Kelly, Kelly doesn’t have 9 inches. We don’t know exactly what Kelly has, nor do we really care, but we just had to get that out of the way.

One night at Fenton’s Bar & Grill, which years after the fact, didn’t have much of a grill. It was more of a night club with half the square footage dedicated to a dance floor. In all the years and visits to Fenton’s never did any of the crowd ever have dinner, a snack, or any type of food other than peanuts. But if calling it a “Bar & Grill” makes them feel better, then go for it.

It was your typical college town hang out, various promotions throughout the week, penny draft on Wednesday’s was popular where you tossed a penny(sometimes Kelly would toss a paper clip), into one of those big 30 gallon Rubbermaid trash cans. That does show how cheap Kelly could be. It’s penny draft and he’s tossing paperclips. You just have to shake your head about it.  The penny draft did come with a $10.00 cover and the place was usually packed.

Well anyway, there was a night(there were many nights here), but on this particular night, Kelly was a dozen or so paper clips into a keg of beer, and he’s feeling frisky. He’s talking to and halfway fondling a short blonde. Not a real blonde, but one of those bottle blondes with bad hair to match the acid washed denim shorts she was wearing with her some shade of orange skin. Hair from a bottle and tan from a booth, what a combination. Kelly, Keith, Jesse and this blonde and a couple of her friends are standing there. Kelly keeps trying to put his arm around her and sneak his hand down to squeeze one of her little b cup boobies and she’s got this grin on her face like she can’t believe this guy, but on the other hand she wasn’t telling him no, or shying away from the contact.

When she would smile and a mouth full of teeth would jump out at you. Forty or fifty of them it seemed like, but she’d have this huge grin going. One could call it a Julia Roberts type mouth, but this girl looked nothing like Julia Roberts.  Kelly, was about a head taller than her and he leaned down at one point and said “Honey have you ever had 9 inches”. Keith spits out about 0.013 of a beer and laughs and gets the girls attention, she’s got this half smile/half dumbfounded look on her face, and Keith looks at her and says, “he’ll have to fuck you two or three times but you’ll get your nine inches”. Kelly slaps Keith’s beer out of his hands, which ended up getting himself wetter than Keith just based on the movement of the swing of his arm. He of course added “fuck you big boy”, as Keith and Jesse walked back to the bar to toss a couple of more pennies into the trash can.

Brotherly Love Part 1



Setting: Lake Murray, SC circa summer of 1997

Jesse and Tracy “Tiny” Little weren’t your typical brothers. In the summer of 1997, Jesse was 25 years old which would have put Tracy at around 38. Fairly big age gap between the two. Even with that age gap there were things that they could share. Sports, drinking, fishing, golf, and pestering the hell out their wonderful mother Beverly. Each of them had nearly perfected that, and it is a miracle that she has any hair left. Like a lot of brothers they were fairly competitive with each other. Tiny, about 5’8 265, usually with a scruffy beard and a fucked up sun tan. Sometimes it was overalls, others it was the typical farmers tan, but Tiny had an advantage when it came to drinking, due to his excess girth. That didn’t stop Jesse from trying to out drink him, or out fish him, or out fuck with him.

Part 1

Andrew Dilger, was living down in Newberry, SC, selling mobile homes and trying to hit on any and every co-ed Newberry College had to offer. Jesse and others would often drive down and check out the local foliage, yeah foliage is a good word for those 18-22 year old co-eds Newberry had to offer. A guy that Andrew worked with, Timmy Allison, had a pontoon boat that he’d take out to Lake Murray most weekends. It served as a party barge, and Timmy loved to fish, so when he wasn’t throwing a line in, he was throwing a bottle of suds back.  Andrew would go with him, but again he was there more for the foliage, than the fishing

It was the middle of the week and Jesse called down to Andrew to see if it was cool for him and his brother to come down and to go out on the water with him and his co-worker. Jesse said Tracy would be bringing his own little fishing boat, but would dock up to the much larger pontoon for burgers & beers. Andrew said come on.

Saturday morning, the Little brothers roll in and are knocking on the door about 10am. Dilger’s fat ass is still in bed and he said he saw the sun come up so he was rather cranky. They went out and grabbed some breakfast and Andrew called Timmy and after the filled up, with gas, bait and beer, they headed off to meet Timmy.

img_4460353_0_311219691600_1_FotoSketcherThey finally got in the water about noon, and they headed off to where Timmy normally fished and Andrew watched the foliage. Pretty eventful day, Andrew had talked a group of co-eds into having a nicest tits contest by pulling out a $100.00 bill, for the winner. The girls ranging from 18-23, went for it and off came the tops. Tracy and Timmy who seemed more interested in fishing quickly turned their attention to the naked breasts that had made an appearance. Timmy was the eldest at about 45, so even the oldest girl was about half his age, and he had a daughter that was about to get her driver’s license  so he was enjoying the show but kept hoping his daughter wouldn’t be naked on some dude’s pontoon boat at any given second.

A girl ntitties_FotoSketcheramed Tabatha, 19 from Alabama won the vote from the 4 guys, 3 to 1, her tan-lines were more apparent and she had the largest and firmest looking breasts, but Andrew ended up giving the $100.00 to a girl named Michelle that he had spent the whole time hitting on. She had smaller boobs, maybe in between an a/b cup and it was clear that she spent some time in tanning bed because she didn’t have a hint of a tan-line. Andrew was   prone to do things like this.

The girls took off and the attention turned back to the fishing and who caught the most and who caught the biggest. Jesse was about 3/4ths lit up and was trying to get back into his brother’s boat so he could count his fish and find the biggest one when he took an awkward step and hit the water. The other three guys laughed their asses off at him while Tiny called him a “drunk sunbtich”. Tracy had that type of reaction where it kinda hurt, but it also kinda pissed him/set him over the edge, a lot like when you get hit out of the blue, not really hard, but just you weren’t expecting it. So he started cussing, the more he cussed the more shit his brother talked and laughed.  Jessed climbed into the boat calling Tiny a drunk fat mother-fucker and he reached down and picked Tiny’s bucket of fish up and swung it around like a hammer toss and let it fly as far as it could. The fish had their stay of execution and Tiny was one pissed off “sunbitch”. “God Dammit Brother”, he yelled and stepped from the pontoon to the little johnboat. Jesse pops him in the side of the head, but Tiny’s too numb at that point to feel it, and Tiny grabs him in a head lock that would make Ric fucking Flair proud and the boat starts to lean and everything is in the water as the little johnboat is upside down.

Timmy and Andrew are looking perplexed as Jesse and Tiny are wrestling like two kids in a swimming pool in the middle of summer. This continued for a minute or two till they both were gasping for air. They broke loose in what appeared to be some form of a draw with Tiny grabbing hold of his capsized boat and Jesse reaching on to a rope dangling from Timmy’s pontoon boat.

At this point Andrew is tickled shitless and is laughing so hard he might actually shit himself again. The two combatants rest for a couple of minutes and then Jesse swims over to his brother’s boat and helps him flip it back over. He then paddled out and collects the cooler and a couple of blue frozen blocks that helped keep the beer cold. He then collected an ore, about a dozen beers and the fishing poles.

Jesse climbs back on to the pontoon boat and just lays there for a few minutes. Tiny’s maneuvering his boat back around with the ores to latch on to the side and head back into the dock.  Tiny then yells “Hey Brother!”  No answer.  “Hey Brother!” “What God Dammit?” Jesse asks. “It’s a good God Damn thing, my tackle box was on the other boat, or you and me would still be having a problem.” Tiny informs him. Jesse leans up on his elbows, and says “Fuck you and fuck your tackle box” as all four of them share laugh.

They float into the dock and Tiny asks, “Where’d them titties go?”  Andrew bellows “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey”, like he just had his balls shocked and starts looking around like an old birddog. Those “titties” weren’t anywhere in site.

Brotherly love!


If you can beat that I’ll suck it!

If you can beat that I’ll suck it!

Setting: Cooter’s Country Store & Bar circa 1997

Cooter’s Country Store & Bar was more of a bar & grill than it was a country store. Now, it’s a given they had hordes of knick-knacks and other aberrant items with a high percentage of those that were there when Shoemaker’s opened the joint in the mid 80’s.


Cooter’s was a bit of a home base, at times it is its own character, and plenty of stories can be told with Cooter’s as the back drop. For a period of time, it was one of only a handful of places where one could get an adult beverage. Marcy Dickerson, a classmate, of Andrew, Keith, Kelly, etc, was the manager at that point in time. Marcy had that, “my shit don’t stink”, vibe nearly perfected even though hearing Andrew telling the story of hooking up with her once, “kissing her was like licking an ashtray”, the way she smoked like a freight train and that raspy voice, I believe him.

On Friday/Saturday nights after they’ve closed the grill down, there were times that she would allow them to prepay for beer, and then sit and drink it, playing cards, shooting the shit, or just telling lies. It was hard enough for her to get Kelly to pay for the beers he’s already had, much less getting him to prepay for beers he hasn’t had yet. The silver lining was if you paid for a 6-pack, you got a 6-pack price and if you drank three, you took three home.

Well, one of these late nights, there was a cast of characters hanging around. Andrew, Keith, Coach Jerry Floyd(since the boys were of legal drinking age, they shared many a beer with one of their old high school football coaches), Marcy, Drew Bench, a couple of the waitresses, Joey(let me sell you a used car) Steeple, and Andrea & Big Ted Sauters.
The girls were at one table bitching a couple of the new hires, and the guys were at another table playing a little quarter poker. Texas Hold’em was the game. Coach Floyd, Keith and Ted had been winning most of the hands, poor Drew Bench couldn’t get any decent cards. Kelly was too busy trying to see what others had to pay much attention.
Bench was given pocket Queens, a better start than most, so he placed a bet (the money is irrelevant since they were playing with a 2.00 betting limit. The flop landed Bench his third lady, an Ace and 8. Bench, who started out in the class of 89 with his twin sister, ended up in the class of ’91, and  he had a bit of social uneasiness about him, and showing up on Halloween one year in full Spock costume didn’t help matters, but he was a good guy. He couldn’t really control his emotions about the 3 of a kind he held, so he bet another $2.00. Keith, Andrew, Ted, Floyd, all folded.  It was to old Steeple, a guy that was drunk so much in the 70’s and 80’s still sounded it. He quit drinking, but to hear him talk or tell a story, if you didn’t know him, you could swear he’s more than a dozen beers into a case. Steeple said, “I’ll give you two more dollars”.
Drew was giddy at this point. Next card on the flop, an Ace. You could almost see a miniature fist pump wanting to come out of him at that point. His best hand of the night. Full house. Queens and Aces. Andrew (Dilger) starts mouthing off about folding too soon because he claimed to had an Ace. Bench throws down $2.00. Steeple in that perpetual drunk voice says “Now Drew my boy, are you going to get mad at me if I win this hand”? Drew says “I’m not worried about that”. So Steeple calls and raises him $2.00. Final card, an 8. Drew quickly throws down a 1.00 bill and digs through his Levi’s to come up with another 1.00. Steeple calls and raises. Bench, pulls a 5.00 out of his wallet and takes 3 singles from the pot as he quickly flips over his pocket queens to show his queens over Aces full house.  He’s smiling so big. Steeple looks at him with a smile just as equally big and flips over his pocket eights. Four of a kind trumps a full house. “Son of a Bitch! Suck my dick!” the table laughs, Drew steams, but he didn’t lose his cool. Steeple tried to give him half the pot for having such a good hand.

Somewhere in the middle of this hand a few of the girls had walked over for a closer look. Anna Rackey, one of the waitresses, and a member of the class of ’89, said “speaking of dicks, Drew, I hear you’ve got a big one.” He spits out part of his beer as he tries to collect himself. He slyly nods in agreement. Dilger shouts bullshit, Coach Floyd finishing off his 14th New Castle, Floyd, Drew’s former Wrestling coach confirms the news. “He does Andy, I bet 100.00 it’s bigger than yours”. Dilger quietly slumps down in his seat and sips on his Natural Ice.

Anna keeps on, “so how big is it”. Drew says “I’ve never measured”. Anna reaches down grabs a napkin and unfolds it. She looks at him and says “Whip it out, if it beats that, I’ll suck it right here” Dilger, perks up, Kelly stumbles back from the bathroom, and says “if he won’t take a blow job, I will”, and the place echoes with “you won’t beat that napkin”, “put your little cock up”, “that’s no challenge”. Kelly gives them a round of “fuck you’s”. Anna again, “Drew I’m serious if you beat this napkin, (a good 8-10 inches), I’ll suck it right here in front of everyone”.  “I’m good, I’m seeing someone” Drew replies shutting off any other attempts as he continues to sip on a beer.

The poker game brakes up, everyone throws away their cans and bottles and the crowd disperses. They are standing out by their cars when Andrew chirps up and asks “so coach Floyd, is it really that big”?  Floyd laughs and says “God Damn Andy do you want to suck it too”. Dilger bellows “Fuck you”, as he gets in his car and speeds off. The others laugh and chuckle and head out on their way home as well.




Andrew’s Panic Attack


Setting: Interstate 520, near Augusta, Georgia, 1993


Andrew needed to Augusta to pick up a Driver, at a golf shop where he ordered one. Jesse and Keith decided to go along with him, just to get out of town.

The shop was near the Augusta Mall[1] so they decided to stop by and kill some time. They ended up eating a late lunch at a Lonestar[2]. Nothing wrong with a couple of steaks and a baked potato and a “Texas Rose”, which is simply Lonestar’s version of Outback’s[3] Blooming Onion[4]. They finished their meal, and since Jesse and Andrew had a few drinks, Keith offered to drive them back home.

1Keith was always driving, and he pulled out on to Interstate 520[5], this portion was better known locally as the Bobby Jones expressway[6]. He fiddled with the radio as Jesse kept trying to poke him to get his attention. They were headed to Highway 78[7] when Keith started messing with his ear.

At one point, Seth and Josh gave Andrew some mushrooms that gave him a fairly bad trip that caused him to freak out one night. Ever since then he was overly sensitive to his heart beating faster. Thus, more times than not, causing his heart to start beating faster. Well, he would start checking his pulse either on his wrist, or on his neck, and whenever he would do this, his group of friends would signal to each other by messing with their ear. Keith was driving on and would look over and catch Andy checking his pulse, and he’d mess with his ear.

Keith looks over at Andy and he’s got the eyes of Satan looking at him and says “I’m having a heart attack, take me to University Hospital[8]”. Keith looks over his should with a weird look on his face back at Jesse, who’s starting to cackle. Keith tries to blow him off by saying, “we’ll be home in a little bit and you can lay down”. This wasn’t the first panic attack, but it was most likely the most dangerous. Again, with the eyes of Satan he bellows, “TAKE ME TO UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL”. “Alright man, chill out, I’ll get off on this exit”, Keith says trying to calm him down. “CROSS THE GOD DAMN MEDIAN NOW” Satan Andrew demands.  Keith puts on his flashers, pulls over to the left hand side of the road and starts to cross the grass covered median and is waiting for a break in traffic to head in the opposite direction.  “DRIVE FASTER”, Keith looks at him, and says I’m doing 80, we’ll be there soon. “FASTER”. Keith presses his foot down to the floor. That V-8 engine had seen better days and has a bit of whine to it. Not the sports car, “I’ve got a lot more” type of whine, but nevertheless, he’s pushing it faster. The dash only had 85, on it was pegged, as they were blowing past cars.

As they approached the correct exit, and a small blue light flickered in the rear view mirror. Keith is thinking “Oh Fuck”, while Jesse rolls down the window and drops something out the window.  Keith asks, “What the fuck with that”, Jesse sheepishly responds “grass”. Keith starts to yell at them both like he’s their Daddy and Jesse just sits back down in the seat trying to let it absorb him as Andy grovels. “HOSPITAL NOW”.thCarolinaHwyPatrol1993Mustang-vi_FotoSketcher

Keith turns into the Hospital’s campus and the blue lights in the mirror are much larger, as the South Carolina State Trooper  in a Ford Mustang had finally caught up to his bumper. Keith wheels around to the ER and Andrew hops out with the car still moving clutching his chest and running in. Jesse says, I didn’t throw grass out the window, I threw some ACID[9] out the window. Keith pulls into a parking spot and the State Trooper via his loud speaker “Slowly get out of the car”, Keith looks back at Jesse and says, “If I go to jail or get a ticket, I’m fucking both of you up.”

Keith gets out of the car and follows the new set of instructions now coming from the Trooper who has his hand on his weapon ready to draw. Jesse slides out from the back seat and they each have their hands against the side of the car.

The trooper asks if they have weapons, or drugs, and they both say “No”. He gives them a quick frisking and then says. “Son, do you know how fast you were going?” Keith simply says, “Well, I know it was pegged at some point, but no sir I do not.” The trooper, a mid 40s black guy with a little gray hair sneaking out of the bottom of his hat, which  matched his moustache and goatee said. “Ninety-three, Ninety-three freaking miles per hour is what I topped you out at, care to explain yourself?” Keith said “my buddy said he was having a heart attack and was acting like he had the devil inside of him demanding me take him to the hospital”. The trooper, said “I see”, let’s walk inside. The trooper parks his car, and the trio walk in to the desk and he asks the pretty blonde behind the counter, what is the status of “Andrew Dilfer?” Keith speaks up. “Dilger, his last name is Dilger, with a G”. She says, “They took him right in, I don’t have an update”.

They sit and wait,  and eventually (about 30 minutes later), Andrew comes out, with his red polo shirt drenched with sweat. Evidently, the steak sauce that he put on his steak had some form of pepper/ingredient in it that he had an allergic reaction with.

The trooper understood that it was a medical emergency and let Keith off with a warning, winking at him to take it easy and slow it down on the way home. As he’s walking out the door, Keith says “Sir, how fast were you going”. The trooper, stops, rubs his goatee for a second, and says “mine was pegged too, but mine says 120”. Keith says, “Yeah I know, another friends dad has one. They will fly.”

They get back in the Blazer, and head for home. Keith says, “Don’t say a God Damn word until I say something first.” About halfway home, Keith turns the radio down and asks “so was it the sauce on the steak or the acid that fucked with your mind?”  Andrew says “What acid”, as Jesse erupts in laughter from the back. Andy starts yelling at Jesse and then looked at him and says “man that was a fucking trip”. Keith pulls the new Dodgers[10] hat he bought at the mall down on to his head and puts some more weight on the gas pedal. He wants this trip to end. Thank god they didn’t give him a tox screen or a drug test.


[1] http://www.augustamall.com/

[2] http://www.lonestarsteakhouse.com/

[3] http://www.outback.com/

[4] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blooming_onion

[5] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interstate_520

[6] http://www.aaroads.com/guide.php?page=i0520ga

[7] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Route_78

[8] http://www.universityhealth.org/

[9] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ACID

[10] www.dodgers.com

Then I Believe I will!


Setting: Rental car somewhere in Lexington County, SC, summer, 1996.

After an unsuccessful night at Bundy’s over near Columbia, Keith Singer was pulling out in a rental car, a candy apple red 1996 Chevrolet Lumina[1], his Honda Accord was in the shop following a bump up in Atlanta. Keith, jerks the wheel and hits the breaks to get the attention of his passengers who were bickering between each other. All he wanted to know was where they were headed next. To continue to go po-dunk bar hopping or head back home. An unsuccessful night at this point in time meant no ass, as to where it used to mean no ass or no fighting.

Chevrolet-Lumina-Euro-3.4-sedanLittle did Keith know at the top of the street near the traffic light sat a Lexington County Deputy Sheriff partially hidden by the sign of his old prick Orthodontist’s office.

While In Bundy’s Keith, the designated drive, had not had a drop to drink. The rest of the gang, Seth, Andrew, Kelly and Josh, well, none of the four needed to be driving, and unfortunately, Keith was wearing about three beers. Two from the same ditzy blonde that stepped on his feet twice leaving the bar area. One was friendly fire when Kelly was yelling at the television as Michael Jordan’s[2] Chicago Bulls[3] were losing to the Seattle Supersonics in the NBA Finals[4].

He pulls up to the stop light and Josh says “don’t look know but a cop just pulled out behind you”. Keith says, “That’s fine all I had was a Coke[5]”. The light shines green and Keith pulls out and about 100 yards later, the blue lights start spraying all over the blue-lightsplace. Keith slows, puts on his signal and pulls into a run-down shopping center that according to Andrew used to house a good old fashioned “rub n tug”. Two things Andy knows about. Where to find a Chinese buffet and massage parlor that offered happy endings. Imagine that.

The deputy get out of the car, and Keith has the information he needs on the ready for him.


LCDS: Licenses & registration. Oh boy I can smell you from here.

KS: Here you go. You smell my clothes not me.
LCDS: Un huh, I’ve heard that lie before:

KS: (Simply bits his tongue and nods his head”)


LCDS: Boy, how much you had to drink? (As he radios in for a south Carolina State Trooper to come and administer a Breathalyzer.

KS: I’ve had a coke.


LCDS: Boy, now don’t be a smart ass.

KS: I was simply answering your question.


LCDS: Get out of the car. Do you have any weapons?

KS: Okay.  No


LCDS: You sure are a biggin (of course when you are about 5’7 a lot of guys are “biggins”,

LCDS: Lean your head back, and touch your nose.
KS:(follows instructions)


LCDS: Walk this line with your arms out.

KS: (follows instructions)


LCDS: Count to fitty in intervals of 5, then back down to zero

KS: 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 49, 48, 47, etc.


LCDS: What the hell did you swerve at down there?

KS: There was dog or an animal crossing the road so I hit my breaks a bit.


LCDS: Un huh, I think your drunk. The tropper will be here soon.

At this point, the passengers in the Lumina are getting antsy, and Andy had to piss, so he was searching for a cup or something, and then Seth was threatening to fight him if he tries to piss into the Coke can that was in the floorboard.

South Carolina State Trooper Brocke Wilson arrives, and calls into dispatch that he’s assisting a Lexington County Sheriff Deputy.


SCST: Hey Stumpy did you catch one?(the two policemen have obviously worked together before.

LCSD: Sure did Brocke, this one is functioning but he’s drunk.


SCST: Where ya been tonight? How much have you had to drink tonight sir?

KS: Sir, my buddies, and I were at Bundy’s. Now if you have them blow in your machine they will likely break it, but all I’ve had was a coke. I had some beers spilled on and me and I’m sure that you can smell it, but I’m sober.


SCST: Did you give him field tests?

LCSD: Sure did, like I said he’s functioning.
SCST: Opens up his kit and turns it on and puts a new straw in. Blow into this sir

KS: (follows instructions)


SCST: The machine makes a noise, 0.0 registers on the screen. The Trooper turns it off, back on, try again.

KS:(follows instructions)
SCST: The machine makes a noise, 0.0 again registers on the screen. Stumpy, I think this one was telling the truth. Why did you stop him?

LCSD: Well, he was pulling out of Bundy’s then swerved and hit his brakes, claimed an animal was crossing the road.

SCST: Did he cross the yellow line?


SCST: Was he speeding?

LCSD: Now, Brocke you know we ain’t got radar.

SCST: Well, I’m not sure what you can charge him with.

LCSD: I was afraid of that. Here you go. Drive safely.


Keith takes his license and rental paper work and returns to the car, about the time the driver’s side rear window rolls down. Keith is thinking “Oh boy, here we go”, Seth says “Hey officer I got a question for you”. They each walk closer to the car. Seth asks, “What’s the law here about an open container”, the two policemen look at each other a bit dumbfounded and the Trooper responds, “Well, you can have an open container of beer or a wine cooler for every passenger that is of age.”  Seth pulls a can out between his legs and says “Then I believe I will!” As he opens the can with a loud “Spewww”.  Keith pulls off on to the road and they head home as Seth passes out beers to the others.


[1] http://www.edmunds.com/chevrolet/lumina/

[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Jordan

[3] http://www.nba.com/bulls/

[4] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1996_NBA_Finals

[5] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coca-Cola