The extend-a dong
Setting: Strip club, High School Parking lot and an Interstate running through the Carolinas circa 1999
This is one of those stories that comes from dumb luck. Kelly Nevins, Keith Singer, Warren Parker and Jerry Floyd went out of to visit a COMPUSA so that Floyd could pick up some memory for his computer. They were in Kelly’s mother’s minivan mostly for comfort. After picking up the memory, they stopped at got a bite to eat at a Ham’s. A simple sandwich joint not far from COMPUSA.
The group ate and kicked back a few cold beers and then decided to head back home. They started ridiculing Kelly as they were leaving for not leaving a tip, and the other three picked up his share for him driving down. At this point he couldn’t drive, and Keith only had two beers so he was now in command of the minivan. They were headed towards the interstate when Floyd said “take the next right”. He did and pulled into a parking lot and he started shaking his head. Kelly, a bit drunk at this point yells, “Is this a titty bar?” Floyd, his former high school football coach shakes his head yeah and Kelly holds up a hand for a high five. Floyd looks around the car asking “you guys game?” looking at Keith and Warren. Keith says “whatever you guys want to do but I’m not buying Kelly any beers”, Warren says through his New Hampshire accent, “I’m not going in unless Kelly buys the beers”, Kelly said let’s go, and they crawl out.
They are at the door, and Floyd looks back at the Keith and says “don’t whip the bouncers this time”, Keith smiles and says “no promises”. This all stems from another story that could find its way here at some point.
Maybe there are nicer joints around, but it is safe to say, if you’ve seen one topless bar, you’ve pretty much seen them all. Of course there are some that are far worse than others as well, but that comes with the territory, but they are all somewhat related. Dark, smoky, the rooms littered with fluorescent and neon lights and eardrum numbing music bouncing wall to wall. Of course, half dressed women on a stage, off on the side giving table dances are all over the place too.
The get a table somewhat close to a side stage, they weren’t front row or anything like that, but they could see all that they needed to. Kelly gives the waitress his credit card, following through with his condition that Warrant stipulated. Keith and Floyd found that to be stunning. They each got a table dance, just at typical night and it was getting late. Warren, Floyd and Keith walked out while Kelly settled the bar tab. At the front of the building was an Adult book store/toy shop. They walked in since it was cold. They could see where the minivan was parked and could watch Kelly come out of the door. So they looked around.
Floyd had a the idea of picking up what was called a “penis extender”, a prosthesis looking device that had rubber/latex end to it, not quite looking like a dildo, but it had hose like attachment to it that the use would roll down his shaft. 12.99. Floyd say I’ve got 5 towards it to tie to the antenna just to see if he notices. Warren and Keith quickly anti up a 5 spot of their own.
They hurry out to the van and tie the extend-a-dong to the antenna and wait on Kelly who had the keys. He finally comes out of the bar and unlocks the door. They get in, get the heat cranked up and are headed towards home. They stop off at a Waffle House to grab some grub, and then they get back in the van and back on to the interstate. This time Kelly was sitting behind Keith, who was still driving and says “what is that on the antenna?” Keith appears to bend down and look and says. “What are you talking about?” Kelly then pushes his shoulder and says “look at the antenna there is something on it”. Kelly continues “Coach Floyd, lean out there and see what it is”, Floyd looks back at him and gruffly says. “Kelly, did you take a hit of LSD at the Waffle House? I don’t see anything”. Warren pops in with “Yeah Kelly, that LSD must be groovy”, again in his New Hampshire accent.
They finally make it home and pull into the parking lot at the football coaches’ offices/locker-room where the others had parked. Kelly gets out and walks around to the antenna and sees the toy tied to it and starts a long cackling laugh with “what the fuck is this?” included in it. Warren pipes up “we hear you need a little help in that department.” “Oh fuck you Parker”, Kelly says to his friend.
They leave, as far as we know that was it.
But it wasn’t.
Kelly’s mom taught with Warren and Jerry. So When Kelly needed to stop by his mom’s van one day to put something in it for his dad, he saw Coach Floyd’s pickup truck sitting there and he tied to the trailer hitch. Floyd was in the weight room getting in a couple of sets before practice when the head football coach, Coach Slessom came into the weight room yelling “Jerry, what the hell is on the back of your trailer hitch?” Without fully knowing, he had a pretty good idea. He and Coach Dinkins, walk out the side door to look, and he just starts shaking his head and saying “that little bastard”. After practice, they were talking about it and Warren couldn’t stop laughing about it. He was teasing Floyd about it saying Kelly got him good”.
The next morning when Floyd rolled into the teachers’ parking lot, he saw that Warren was already at school, so he thought it was fair to give him some of his own medicine and tied the dong to his antenna.
At the end of the day, Warren was walking out with a couple of teachers after school, when the Spanish teacher asked him, “hey Warren does that help with the reception”, Warren turns looking at his car, and immediate says, “that hairy bastard” as his face turned bright red. He took it off put it in his pocket and went on down to practice. The other coaches got a good laugh out of that story too. Floyd looks at him, and he says “well we know it comes from Kelly, so let’s get him back”. Floyd says “Coach Slessom hand me a Sharpie out of the desk”. He writes
IF LOST PLEASE RETURN TO KELLY NEVINS 555-555-3834
in big bold black letters.
They leave and go and tie to the windshield wiper on Kelly’s Jeep Cherokee.
Well those plans kind of backfired to a point. They didn’t know that Kelly, his girlfriend Tina, and his parents were going to take the Cherokee to a Carolina/Wake Forest basketball game that night. Kelly had been fussing about the brakes on the way to the game, so Aubrey his dad, said well I’ll drive home just to see how they are.
After the game they pile into the Cherokee, Aubrey and Beth in the front while Kelly and Tina were in the back seat. They get on the interstate and starts to rain out of nowhere. Aubrey fumbles with the switch to cut the wipers on and they start and there is this mass thumping on the windshield with every interval of the wipers. “Kelly what the hell is this” Aubrey yells back at his son. “I don’t know Dad pull over.”
They pull over on the edge of the interstate, Aubrey hits the flashers and they get out and Aubrey reaches for it and says
“What the hell” as he turns it and reads the message on it. He tears it off and says “here you go son, it looks like this is yours”. Kelly avoids the throw like it is hot water, and then reaches down to pick it simply saying “Those bastards” as he tosses it off into the tall grass/trees.
The prank lived longer than most, but died not too far from where it started. Maybe it is still out there. Maybe it’s been torn into pieces by a DOT mower.