Setting: Mostly at Fenton’s Bar & Grill, circa 1993
When you have a group of friends in a small town, you mostly know each other pretty well. At times you now some of their cousins that might live close by, not necessarily the same town, but close by.
At times, various paths can cross. A close group of friends will have each other’s back and take up for one another when push comes to shove.
Let me introduce to Brad Clayton. Brad was a year or so younger than this group of friends, he was somehow related a little bit to Andrew Dilger. Some form of 3rd cousin fifteen times removed or however that genealogy shit works. Somehow his kin stuck Andrew’s kin, or Andrew’s kin stuck his kin. Who cares, it’s irrelevant.
Either way, he was a douche. Think Brian Austin Green meets Vanilla Ice meets New Kids on the Block, or were they the same person to start with? He crossed paths with Seth by hitting on his girlfriend. He did the same with Marty. He had welched on a golf bet with Jesse and wrote a check to Kelly’s mom for some tutoring in English over the summer. Most everyone was over at Jesse’s house waiting to head to Fenton’s, likely for a penny draft night. Out of all the times they went to Fenton’s Bar & Grill, a high percentage had to be the Wednesday penny draft nights, but there were some Friday and Saturday’s as well.
Everybody is bitching about Brady Clayton. Everybody is talking about whipping his ass. Keith edges each of them on by saying, “he’d whip anyone of you one on one”, all while knowing he’d have a tough time fighting any of them, and no chance with a couple of them. He hadn’t crossed Keith, yet Keith didn’t care for him and called him New Kid. He was just an uber-douche trying to kiss everyone’s ass, yet would then turn around and try to get in their girls pants
They load up in Kelly’s Mom’s mini-van and head off to Fenton’s. They stop and eat some Pizza nearby and drink a couple of pitchers before going to Fenton’s.
They are loading up on penny draft, watching a baseball game on one of the televisions, bitching about this, that and the other, hitting on the occasional girl and catching up with an old friend or two. Kelly’s still trying to throw paperclips into the 30 gallon trash cans they used to collect the pennies on these nights. Keith’s watching the Dodgers and the Braves play and Jesse is trying to avoid some one-night stand he met at school the previous year.
Andrew walks up and says “guess who just walked in?” Keith sarcastically says President Bush. “No dipshit, Brad Clayton”, Jesse starts mubling about the 100.00, Kelly wonders aloud if he has the 50.00 bucks he owes his Mom, and Marty and Seth start fussing over who’s going to confront him first. Keith gets up walks over to Brad and simply says “You might want to leave, I’ve got four guys over there and each of them are wanting to whip your ass, and I’m not going to stop them”. Brad says “We cool”, Keith says, “no you’re a pussy, and I’m just trying to save you from getting your ass kicked, and I’m not really wanting to have to put money together to bail one of them out of jail for doing it.”
Brad with his “Ice Ice Baby” hair cut ponders that thought for a brief moment and asks, “I’m a pussy?” Keith says “Yeah you are, and a matter of fact you’re about to tell everyone you’re a pussy, or I’ll beat your ass and save them the trouble.” Brad fondles the four day scruff he has on his chin and says “Okay Big Daddy, if it gets them off my ass I’ll tell them I’m a pussy.”
Keith says “okay, but there is another thing”. Seth and Marty are wanting to whip your ass over you hitting on their girls, and I think we can take care of it, but you owe Kelly’s Mom 50 bucks plus a bad check fee, and you owe Jesse 100.00 for the golf bet. He’s shaking his head like he’s about to free-style reaches in his pockets and hands him 200.00 bucks. Keith stuffs it in his pockets and says “let’s get this over with because I’m tired of hearing about your bitch ass”.
They walk over to Jesse, Keith hands him a 100 and says “this is your golf bet”, and looks at Brad and says “what do you have to say?”
Jesse, “I’m a pussy”. Jesse: You got that right.
They walk over to Kelly, Keith says “do you have any twenties”? Kelly nods and says “yeah two”, Keith says “I’ll trade you this 100.00 for them”. They exchange bills, and Keith says, oh by the way, you paid me back that 40.00 you owe me and the rest of that is your Mom’s for that tutoring bullshit. Kelly looks at him with a “what the fuck” expression, but it serves the cheap greedy fucker right, you have to trick his ass to get paid back more times than not. He looks over at Brad and says “spill it”.
Brad says “Kelly I’m a pussy.” Kelly: “You God Damn right!” with a cackling howl to it.
They walk over to Seth and Marty who are still trying to talk each other into letting them be the one to whip his ass. Keith “says now this will take an apology before you tell them what you are”.
Brad: “Seth, I thought you and Haley were broken up, Marty I didn’t know you and Iris were trying to get back together.”
Seth: “Even, if we were she wouldn’t have anything to do with you.’
Marty: “We’re just fucking a bit, before she moves back with her parents, but that is mighty white of ya.”
Keith: “What else?”
Brad: “I’m a pussy!”
Seth punches Marty in the arm as they both laugh their ass off, more of an Andrew type of laugh where he might shit his pants again, but they were a bit drunk and they were laughing there asses off.
They walk over to Andrew, Brad says “hey cuz, I’m a pussy.”, Keith sees a couple of guys from the community college, he wheels Brad over to them and Keith says “introduce yourself!”
Brad: “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy!”
The guys from school look puzzeled but take a swig of out of their solo cups. They start walking to the back of the place, Keith is pulling out people he knows from school or their home town. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”.
Keith sees a couple of bouncer’s he knew that played some football that he’s talked to before. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”. “Hi I’m Brad I’m a pussy”.
He finally looks at Brad, “Did you learn your lesson?”, he said “yeah I know who not to fuck with any more.” He wondered into the dance floor trying to just blend into nothing.
Keith walks back up to his friends and says “Hi I’m Brad I’m a Pussy”, they all hit him in the shoulder laughing, cackling, and just having a good time.
They get in the car to leave, the next destination would likely be home, or quite possibly a Waffle House, and Keith is driving. Seth asks, “What made you do that? Keith says “I was tired of hearing all you little girls bitch about him.” he adds, “I don’t know about you guys, but I would have got my one shot in and busted someone in the mouth before I told three dozen or so people I’m a pussy. I might have got my ass whipped in the end, but I’m not going to do something like that.” They all agreed and laughed and drank into the night.